Living Memories

 This month when I visit my mother, 98, who has been in hospice for five months is emotionally draining.  Yesterday when I shared this with two women in private conversation after a literacy meeting, they shared their perspectives.  "My mother has been gone four years.  Each time I visited my mother during end-of-life stages, I felt I would soon be orphaned", one remarked. Another shared, "My mother has had Alzheimer's for the past 15 years.  I do not feel like I have a mother anymore", another lamented. 

And just the day before a friend reflected, "I am so glad you have your mother one more day."  This exquisite woman maintains a home in CO while caregiving for her mother in GA where she continues her professional life as an academician.  God bless my friends who continue to travel or follow a passion with art lessons and chorus while caregiving for their husbands with Alzheimer's going on four years.

But I digress from my feelings.  At 71, I am fortunate to be active in the academic and business environments - albeit part time, though I cannot do anything part time.  With the housing bust my home fortunately is rented at present though it sat empty and then devasted by tenants the remaining years.   Spiritual armor has protected me as I concentrate on fulfilling my life and being there for my family, friends, and reading mentees.


Hopefully, that spiritual armor will protect me through the next phase of life with expected loss though I love my friend's saying, "98 going on 120" in referencing my mother.  I want to enjoy each day, tucking treasures in my suitcase like a book a grade school friend wrote that I can share with my mother.  I will also bring her a Jewish calendar remiscent of the ones she hung on a kitchen cabinet in my parents' condo in S FL.  Birthdays, anniversaries - recorded year after year, remembered with just the perfect card, her thoughts underscored at time as I find myself doing for emphasis.

Sharing with you has already lightened what was a burden ten minutes ago.  In less than two weeks my friend will drive me two hours from the mountains of NC to Charlotte to board my flight.  One of devoted brothers and/or my sister-in-law will pick me up at the airport where construction is anything but straight driving.   We will visit alone and together, laugh as our family always has done, not ridiculing but sharing slices of life.   I will be able to praise staff personally - this woman from a distance - does she really care?   Yes, she cares hourly, prays daily, and includes you in her prayers.


It's Sunday when I usually phoned my mother in addtion to mid-week calls since my father's passing fifteen years ago.  Today, we cannot hold a conversation long distance, not even the 3-minute conversations to save money, a carryover from the Depression.  She cannot read even large-print books but hopefully will be able to recognize me.   I see a "grabber" in a TV ad and feel a tinge of sorrow that I never purchased one for my mother.   I choose to remember how she drove up from Ft. Lauderdale to Boca by herself to be with my brother and me.  My brother was right to encourage her to stretch herself as my daughter did me after a sudden loss.

Please feel free to share your comments anonymously, if you wish, or write to me at evelynasher@charter.net.  Together, our journeys will be sweeter.

Online Tools for Care Coordination

Keeping track of medical history, shopping for alternative living arrangments, and discussion of financial planning under one roof is efficient.  Too many surprises with end-of-life decisions could be avoided with these tracking tools.  For those tracking their own histories ensure that someone you trust has access to your records and will follow-through with those choices.  Why was my friend surprised that two sons rather the father less literate were named executors of their mother's estate?



The following is the mission statement of eCare Diary taken from its website that is recommended by professionals in the senior care industry:

"eCare Diary is a website created based on the founder’s, John Mills, experience as a caregiver for his father who suffered from Parkinson’s Disease. Having spent over 20 years working in the health care system, John found coordinating long term care to be difficult because of the lack of good information. eCare Diary provides comprehensive information, tools and resources to help those seeking and providing long term care. A unique feature is our Care Diary, a set of online tools designed to make coordination of care and sharing of information easy amongst family members and other caregivers. eCare Diary also has a comprehensive database of nursing home and home care services, guides on long term care financing and information on important health care documents everyone should have. The site will continue to grow and more information and tools will be added in the months ahead. We hope eCare Diary helps simplify your situation by providing you the tools and information you need."

Ethical issues

  At the personal invitation of my geronology professor Dr. Rita Gugel, the founder of National Association of Professional Care Managers (NAPGCM) visited our class at Lynn University in the early 90s.  Within the next few years I enlisted the help of a professional geriatric care manager to address a caregiving situation that ultimately provided opportunity for my second husband's distant four children to care for their father, albeit long distance.  "I won't come until my father is situated", are the dispassionate words heard from one son.  

Wanting to do the right thing, I found a level of care that mirrored Mr.S.'s lifestyle, ensured he was settled and visited from time to time in the assisted living community and hospital to ensure staff knew there was someone local who observed his care. 

The one-hour assessment by the professional care manager was the best $200 I ever spent.  My children deserved me to present in their lives and share their joy.

And now it is time again to call on professional care management, to call on professionals who are familiar with levels of care for dementia and ensure transition sans physical and emotional challenges of family, near and distant.  Far too personal when it comes to a parent.   "I just cannot do it anymore" echoes from various challenges within a family including finances, introduction of extended family with different history.  


The terse words of management eager to make way for "healthier" residents are 360 degrees of the welcome less than two years ago.   Ethical issues in discharge, a webinar offered by SeniorBridge this month, is one that professionals in aging need to hear. Consider discharges from hospitals, rehab centers, and communities.  What is the appropriate setting, timing?   What has been your experience in handling transitions of family members or close friends.  Did you handle the move(s) yourself ? Did you call on a professional care manager?   If so, what is a positive experience or one that could have been improved?  Share with us so others can benefit.  

Caregiver Role Reversal

The contents of my friend's  weekly email exchange read: 

"...one of my mom’s caregivers had a fall last week and dislocated her shoulder.  She’s not much older than I am but she has a very sedentary life and she seems in much worse shape than my mother.  Our church group has been having to bathe her, cook and drive for her.  I had her here for dinner and my mother was taking care of her and cutting her food….she felt great to be the caregiver for a change and she loved it.  Anyway, it got me thinking about taking better care of myself and not giving in to old age."

     . This reminds me of my mother, 98, who is every bit the hostess she always has been.  From her senior living apartment she is eager to share her bounty of yogurt, bottled water, bananas, or sweets.  She can readily replace a banana from the community's basket in the lobby or ask for one in the dining room.  Readily translates to walking what seems greater distances with a walker after hip surgery.  What continues to inspire you in the actions of courageous elders?